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Doug Clark: Bad math is just plain criminal

Doug Clark
Staff writer
November 16, 2008

Mathematical incompetence has spread to all levels of society.

Last spring, for example, only 49 percent - or two thirds - of Washington high school sophomores were able to pass the math part of the WASL test.

Which means the next generation of minimum-wage store clerks will be even worse at making change than the current crop of ninnies.

But of far more civic embarrassment is the inability of our local lowlife to add and contract.

Take what happened in Spokane Valley last week.

A 31-year-old man paid $10.99 for a new hammer. Then he used the hammer to break a liquor store window so he could steal an $8.99 bottle of wine. Allegedly.

The burglar told his arresting officers that he bought the hammer after he couldn't break the glass with a rock.

How stupid is that? Everyone (government contractors excepted) should know that spending 11 bucks to steal a cheap bottle of wine doesn't make any sense.

Had this miscreant had a basic understanding of math he could have saved his money by purchasing the hammer with a forged check.

Oh, I wish I could tell you that this was an isolated incident. That way I could use the story as another insulting generalization about Spokane Valley IQ.

But the same sort of thing happened just a few months ago in downtown Spokane.

Police busted a 19-year-old counterfeiter who had set up shop in a River Park Square men's room.

Choosing the lavatory location did save the young entrepreneur from having to pay rent. But here's where the equation fell apart worse than the McCain campaign: The guy told his captors he paid $100 for a color copier and that he was trying print enough fake $10 bills to buy $90 worth of pot.

No wonder we can't attract a new public health officer. Who'd want to move to an area where the criminals are dumber than a sack of $11 hammers?

I hate to be a broken record. But once again, a bit of mathematical knowledge would have helped the man achieve a profitable business plan.

All he had do was ...

Purchase the $100 color printer.

Print two $90 bills.

Buy twice as much weed.

That would give the man a net savings of 70 bucks.

It's pretty clear what the problem is. We taxpayers spend trillions of dollars on bratty kids in public schools. Yet we do nothing to teach the incarcerated how to count.

I'd like to see a Math for Malefactors program started at the Spokane County Jail. Inmates could be taught arithmetic using story problems they could relate to.

Here are a few sample questions to demonstrate what I'm talking about. Feel free to take the test. Mail your answers back to me in care of The Spokesman-Review, 999 W. Riverside, Spokane, WA, 99201. A prize will be awarded for each perfect score.

(Warning: Keep your eyes on your own paper to avoid being stabbed by a cellmate.)

1. Richie has one crack pipe and five friends. Two of his pals have suspicious sores on their lips. If each crackhead takes three hits, what is the probability that Richie will be making a trip to the ER next week?

2. Big Willy walks around the prison yard every day during exercise to collect payments for his protection racket. It takes him 10 minutes to walk one time around the yard. Big Willy starts walking at noon and stops at 1 p.m. Presuming no punks try to ice him, how many trips around the yard does Big Willy make?

3. Crystal stole her pimp's Pontiac. She drove 200 miles in the first four hours before stopping at a mini mart to use the bathroom and rob the night clerk. Then she drove 100 miles in the next three hours before running over a strip of road spikes set down by state troopers. What was Crystal's average speed up until her time of arrest?

4. There are 16 serial killers on Death Row but only one electric chair. If Old Sparky can be fired up once a day on weekdays, how many more chairs are needed so the warden won't have to serve any last meal Thanksgiving dinners?

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@ spokesman.com.

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