Sometimes I wonder if the life of sobriety is what its all cracked up to be.  Yes, it is awesome I'm not constantly losing money to drug dealers.  Yes, it is very good to be able to remember where I put anything.  And yes, its really amazing to gain back a little bit of respect back from the people who were ashamed of me back when I was using.  Yet still, its hard to forget that life was a lot easier when I was able to float through it on clouds of smoke.
 
My weeks are more bland than they ever were when I was using.  Monday through Wednesday I wake up around 8 A.M. and go to college where half the student body is either high, or reeks of marijuana.  Then after school, I go to my outpatient program.  Here I have to listen to six other kids that have absolutely no motivation to get clean other than getting off drug court or get off probation.  There is only one other kid in the entire program that is looking to stay sober like me, but he's in another group and says maybe five words for the entire two hours.  Then i go home, where I sit around and play videogames or read books until I go to bed.  I do have friends that I could hang out with, but all of them are still users so I know that if I choose to spend my time with them I'm only hurting my own recovery.  So instead, I elect to stay at home and write sappy poetry.
 
Thursdays are the highlight of my week.  Thursday is like my Friday.  I have no outpatient after school, and I have no school the following day.  As soon as I'm out of class, my weekend begins.  However this isn't as exciting as it might sound.  My weekends consist of what my weeknights are, but instead all day rather then several hours.  Sometimes I go to N.A. groups on Sundays, but I always feel strange while I'm attending.  I'm always the youngest person by at least 15 years.  I've done the same drugs as the rest of the attendees, and in some cases I have even more experience.  Yet the age gap is so huge that I just feel silly when I talk about my drug using.
 
I'm yet to find that special something to help me with my recovery.  My support group is strong, but everyone in it is completely inexperienced when it comes to drug use and especially when it comes to addiction.  I still have hope though.  I know that I enjoyed life more when I was high.  I know that life was easier when I was high.  But more importantly, I know very intimately the monster that these things turned me into.  It is that one thing, that keeps me from going back to smoking pot, snorting MDMA, or slamming heroin.