So it's the day after Mother's Day. I can't button my jeans because I ate ALL the chocolate my boys gave me. The theory being just get it over with and don't eat the rest of the week.
I'm still wiping down cupboards. My 18-year-old baked me a cake when I was out of town with the rest of the family (he had to work). Apparently, the mixer got away from him.
I can barely walk through the house because I wasn't allowed to pick up a thing all weekend. And, well, no one else seems to notice things like mens size 13 SHOES in the MIDDLE of the floor.
I wish they knew that the very best thing about Mother's Day is the fact that I feel so fortunate to be a mom.
How 'bout the rest of you? Does your day of pampering add up to a week's worth of cleaning?

About two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to spend some time with a group of mothers at Westminster Congregational United Church of Christ.

But instead of the usual play date for my kids, I went by myself and learned from other women who taked about parenting from a different perspective: as empty nesters. I wrote a story about their gathering in Monday's newspaper, “Alone but not lonely.”

I’m relatively new to the world of parenting so it was eye-opening for me to listen to wise and experienced women whose children are now in college. Some of their stories made me cry -- not because they were heart-breaking, but they made me realize how these parent-child relationships shape us now and for the rest of our lives.

When my eldest was born, I was convinced that nothing was harder than having a newborn. But now, especially after hearing the stories of the Full Nesters, I'm learning that parenting at every stage can be both challenging and rewarding all at the same time.

"The one thing you can count on with children is that you never stagnate," said the Rev. Andy CastroLang, whose daughter will graduate from Whitworth University this spring. "You have to constantly evolve. … Parenthood changes all the time and that's a good thing."

How have you adapted to the different stages of parenting? Do you think it gets harder as your kids get older?

My parents will be moving soon into their new home. My mother will need a housekeeper to help clean the house. They live five miles north of Loon Lake, on Hwy 395. Do you know of anyone in the area who could do the job?

I had to stay in the car the other day to finish listening to this story, “For Prospective Moms, Biology and Culture Clash,” which aired on NPR.

According to the report, the average age of first-time mothers in the United States has risen steadily in the last 40 years – from 21.4 in 1980 to a little over 25 in 2005. More than a third of first-time moms in the U.S. are over 30 when they have their first child, the National Center for Health Statistics reports.

I felt sad for one of the women interviewed – Amy Harrison of Massachussetts. She’s 38, has a good job, a nice home and a husband who would make a good father, she said.

"I finally feel like I'm ready to give a child or children a good home,” Harrison said.

But even after fertility treatments for two years, her body just isn’t cooperating.

My own mother was 21 when she gave birth to me. I didn’t have my first child until I was 30. Looking back, I don’t know if I would have been ready at 21.

When Anna Jarvis, a Philadelphia school teacher, petitioned Congress to establish Mother’s Day in 1907, young women in the United States were expected to stay home and have children. Now, many are waiting – sometimes for the right relationship, but also for life circumstances that include having a good job and enough money to support a child.

Moms: How old were you when you had your kids? Do you think there’s such a thing as a “right time” to have children?

In her blog called, “strollerderby,” writer Rachael Brownell provides folks with a list of Mother's Day do's and don’ts.

Among her don’ts: kitschy “Precious Moments” statues; jewelry that says “#1 Mom;” vacuums and other tools for cleaning.

Instead, Brownell suggests original art from a local artist or a set of Le Creuset pots for the mom who loves to cook.

Moms: What do you really want for Mother’s Day?

Earlier this year, an article in the Wall Street Journal told the story of Dan Kunitz, a media executive who decided to quit his job to stay at home with his son. “When Two Incomes Became One” shows why this dad dropped out of the work force for a while and the sacrifices the family made in order to make their lifestyle work.

Basically, Kunitz got burned out with his job and really wanted to recharge his batteries by spending more time with son. His family saved a little by selling their house and renting; letting the nanny and housekeeper go; dropping cable, the land-line phone and also their gym membership. Fortunately they had a bit of savings, which is helping make ends meet. His wife also continues to work.

However, in addition to not getting a paycheck, Kunitz also isn’t putting money toward his retirement or their son's college savings account.

“The days go slow but the years go fast,” Kuznitz wrote last month in his blog, “stay at home dan.”

“When I was working it was the exact opposite: 12-hour days would fly by, but it seemed to take forever for the major milestones on my calendar to arrive. Now the feeling is reversed. It doesn’t seem like it has been three months since I left work, or two months since I took over the daycare duties. And it’s hard to believe that Joseph’s second birthday arrived so fast, and we’re on the verge of having another baby. While these two years have flown by, the days are slow and that is why I have been saying that my life feels like a vacation since leaving work. Though we do have some regular activities planned, for the most part it is a new adventure each day and we pack a lot in."

Did you or your spouse leave the workforce for a while to spend more time with the kids? How did you make ends meet? What did you give up? What did you gain from the experience?

Until recently, I never gave much thought to the “other” mom.

I know several people who were adopted as children and also numerous parents who have adopted infants and even elementary-age kids from Ethiopia, Guatemala, China and also the United States. I started thinking more about the birth mothers – these women who relinquished children for adoption – after learning about the Mass and luncheon that takes place every year at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church. After interviewing a few birth mothers over the years, I learned that they never forget, that they always wonder about their child and that many yearn to reconnect at some level. In the 1950s and '60s, even in the decades after, many were shamed into silence.

I wrote a story for today’s paper about the annual birth mothers gathering called “A Step Toward Solace.” Here’s some information about the event:

WHAT: A Mass celebrated by Bishop William Skylstad to honor birth mothers and those touched by adoption
WHEN: Friday (May 9) at noon followed by a luncheon at 1 p.m.
WHERE: St. Joseph’s Catholic Church, 1503 W. Dean Ave. in Spokane
FOR MORE INFORMATION: To RSVP for the luncheon or for more information, call Sandy Maher at (509) 358-4258 or Bonnie Deabler at (509) 325-7667.

Here are the organizations that help put it together:
Catholic Charities’ Childbirth and Parenting Alone
Children’s Home Society of Washington
Spokane Consultants in Family Living
Washington Adoption Reunion Movement

Kelly Reising, one of the columnists for a website called “The Imperfect Parent,” wrote an article last month titled “Detachment Parenting.”

Here’s an excerpt:

“As a parent are you attached to your kids? Well, that seems to be kind of a silly question. Most, if not all, good parents are attached to their kids. It’s natural. You love them, you form a bond with them the minute you first look into their eyes and think to yourself, yes this one is mine, my child. You are attached to them. But as far as the term “attachment parenting” goes, I am just not a fan of it. I prefer detached parenting. You won't see me with my baby strapped to me in one of those slings, co-sleeping, making organic baby food for my cloth diaper wearing offspring. It's just not my thing. So does that make me a detached parent?”

Toward the end of the column, she concludes:

“Most of the time I feel like my heart now resides outside of my body and walks around reflected in (my children’s) perfect little faces. If that's not the definition of attached, then I don't know what is. But at the end of a long hard day when there where one too many tantrums thrown, or meals refused I am so glad that I can take them upstairs to their own room, where they sleep in their own bed or crib and I don't have to share my bed with them. There is some separation between us and it’s healthier for me. That there is still a “me” outside of parenthood, detached in many ways but always attached to them.”

I loved this column for its honesty and humor. I still try hard to do the “attachment parenting” thing. But, I have to confess, there are some things I would probably do a little differently if I had to do it all over again.

I'm just glad that there are so many different ways for us to raise our children. What works for some families doesn't always work for everyone.

What are your thoughts on attachment parenting? What worked or didn’t work for you?

I wrote a story this week about the importance of the family meal based on some of your comments about making time to eat together. I found the responses in that particular thread to be really heartwarming – they reminded me of the need to slow down, sit at the table and break bread with the people I love. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

One thing I didn’t have room to include in the story is some advice I got during a recent interview with Phyllis Stephens, perhaps the region’s best-known master gardener and "the voice of Inland Northwest gardening" on KXLY 920. (She also has four grown sons and 15 grandchildren.)

Stephens said one of the best ways to teach kids how to eat vegetables and to take an active role in preparing a meal is by growing your own food. “Let them touch bugs and dig in the dirt,” she told me. “Plant seeds together and watch your garden grow.”

Does your family have a vegetable garden? What do you grow? How do you get your kids involved?

Our recent exchange about the nanny cam and websites/blogs about nanny nightmare stories compelled me to look into the steps that people could take to avoid such mishaps.

I recently interviewed a Spokane mom who went through great lengths to find the ideal nanny for her two children. Dozens of people inquired about the job, but it took her months to weed out the ones who were unqualified.

“The people with the most impressive backgrounds often have baggage,” she explained to me. The baggage included: tickets for reckless driving, a criminal record and sketchy MySpace pages that made her think twice despite their stellar job interviews.

I’m writing a story for later this month about how to find and hire a nanny. I’d love to learn about people’s experiences and the steps they took to make sure they were leaving their children with someone responsible. If you wouldn’t mind sharing, please feel free to post on this blog or e-mail me at Virginia_de_leon@yahoo.com

Thanks in advance for your help.

One of the nicest editors I know recently passed along this link to a bizarre story about the murder of a college student at a university in the Midwest. The Chronicle of Higher Education also published its own account that explained how the suspect, Tina Loraine Morris – the mother of the victim’s roommate – had been staying in the students’ campus apartment for two weeks before the killing. According to news reports, which quote court documents, Morris confronted the victim about her conduct with her daughter the night before. Then she stabbed the young woman repeatedly and fled in her car.

Hara Estroff Marano, editor at large of Psychology Today and author of the magazine’s advice column, Unconventional Wisdom, made this conclusion about the murder on her blog:

“Death by hovering is not how the coroner's report will list it. But the murder of a student at Indiana University-Purdue, the first act of violence in the 40-year history of the Fort Wayne campus, may well be the first documented case of death from helicopter parenting.”

She later goes on to give examples of helicopter parenting: "A father books a hotel room on campus for a month while his son changes majors. A mother protests a student’s grade on a paper; it turns out that she wrote it. Parents and students exchange multiple cell phone calls each day, some initiated by students, at least as many initiated by their parents. Every little flicker of experience is reported. Students don’t get to sit with and manage their own emotions. And parents put themselves on the receiving end of a steady stream of unfiltered, undigested negative experience from their precious child.”

It’s unclear at this point what motivated Morris to move in illegally with her daughter and her roommates. Whether or not it was a case of helicopter parenting, the story intrigued me because of Marano’s comments on the subject.

How do you strike a balance between being there for your children and teaching them independence? How do you avoid becoming a "helicopter parent"?

According to this front-page story in The Spokesman-Review, eating cereal and potassium-rich foods such as bananas and also not skipping breakfast before pregnancy can raise the odds of having a boy.

The information is based on research that involved 700 first-time pregnant women in the United Kingdom who didn't know the sex of their fetuses. They were asked about their eating habits in the year before getting pregnant.

Here’s a quick synopsis:

“Among women with the highest calorie intake before pregnancy, 56 percent had boys versus 45 percent of those with the lowest calorie intake.
Women who ate at least one bowl of breakfast cereal daily were 87 percent more likely to have boys than those who ate no more than one bowl per week.”

Does this reflect your experience? On another note, which foods did you or your partner crave while you were pregnant?

My son has been having some issues with an older/bigger/meaner/obnoxious (what i would call a BULLY) kid at school and we've been working with him/his teacher/the principal about it. Tonight he asked me to give him a few lessons in courage. It just breaks my heart to hear him ask about how to be brave. Some things we discussed tonight include how people who do brave or courageous things are sometimes still scared; that sometimes kids act out like this because they want negative attention/any attention but don't know how to get it in other ways; talked about worst-case-scenarios (ok let's say Boy X does punch you... then what); dad is going to show him some self-defense stuff (he's a police officer), how to block punches, etc.

My inner 'mama bear' just wants him to clobber the guy...

Now that he is in bed for the night I just wonder what else we can tell him/teach him... Your thoughts or experiences?

A Seattle teacher was recently suspended after he refused to give his students the WASL, according to this story in The Seattle Times.

"I did it because I think it's bad for kids," he told the newspaper.

The teacher, 60-year-old Carl Chew, is on leave without pay for two weeks.

“I performed this single act of civil disobedience based on personal moral and ethical grounds, as well as professional duty. I believe that the WASL is destructive to our children, teachers, schools, and parents,” he wrote in a statement that's available on The Times' website.

There’s no question that the WASL is quite controversial. Proponents say that despite some flaws, it’s still a good method to assess both student learning and the quality of teaching that’s taking place in our schools.

Chew, however, had this to say to the newspaper:
"I think it's good for students to have basic skills in reading, writing and math, but also to have good skills in P.E. and art and music and public speaking."

He told The Seattle Times that the WASL needs to be replaced with a "gentler, kinder way of finding out what our students know and helping teachers educate them better."

Do you agree with this teacher? Do you think his act of civil disobedience sets a good example to students who have no choice at this point but to take the test?

This summer’s job market is looking tough for teens, according to this story in The Chicago Tribune.

First, there aren’t a lot of openings with the poor economy. And second, they’re competing with adults for the few positions that are out there.

But most teens want to work. According to the story, 46 percent of teenagers have jobs, and they typically put in more than 14 hours a week and take home an average of $474 a month to save for college, invest in electronics or spend on entertainment.

Although work might be harder to find this summer, the National Consumers League continues to caution young workers about the type of work they choose to do. Not all jobs are safe so that’s why the NCL puts out a list of the worst teen jobs every year.

Here’s the top five for 2007:

1. Agriculture: Fieldwork and Processing
2. Construction and Work in Heights
3. Outside Helper: Landscaping, Groundskeeping, and Lawn Service
4. Driver/Operator: Forklifts, Tractors, and ATVs
5. Traveling Youth Crews

What did you do as a teen to earn extra money? What advice would you give young people as they prepare for the summer job hunt?

A front-page story this weekend discussed how Canada is now banning BPA – bisphenol A – from being used in baby bottles and other consumer products.

Here’s some information about BPA from the Associated Press:

“Bisphenol A is a manmade chemical used to make many hard plastic products: reusable food containers, DVDs, helmets and goggles. It's also in the protective linings in food cans and dental sealants.

It also has been used to make polycarbonate plastic baby bottles, the most common type, for about 30 years.

The plastics industry and the Food and Drug Administration say the safety of BPA is well established. Critics believe it may be harmful and want it banned from food containers.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says it found BPA in nearly 93 percent of Americans it tested. The agency, noting that animal tests have shown BPA to have hormone-like effects on the reproductive system, said it is not known whether the results could occur in people. The agency said more research is needed.”

A 2007 investigation conducted by the Environmental Working Group also warns that BPA is used to line nearly all infant formula cans.

Based on information from several news reports, it seems like more parents with infants are switching to glass bottles.

Are you concerned about the levels of BPA in plastic products you use at home? Did you use plastic or glass bottles when your children were babies?

By the way, here is "The Smart Plastics Guide” from the Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy.

Spring always makes me feel more self-conscious about the messy state of my household.

Now that I spend more time at home instead of working full-time and hiring someone else to clean, I’ve quickly learned that it’s so much harder to keep a house in order when you’re at home with children. I cook and clean and cook and clean – only to get up the next day and do it all over again.

I need help with chores. My husband does his part, but it would be great to get the entire family involved. But how much can a toddler and preschooler actually do?

So I found this age appropriate chore chart online. Some of the suggestions include:

* Ages 2-3: pick up toys; help feed pets; help wipe up messes
* Ages 4-5: dust; set the table; put away groceries
* Ages 6-8: vacuum, take out trash, fold laundry
* Ages 9-12: help wash car; wash dishes; clean the bathroom; rake leaves
* Ages 13-17: Wash windows; do laundry; prepare meals

How do you keep your household clean? Do your children help? How do you encourage them to do chores around the house?

Thanks to a new state grant, all-day kindergarten became an option this year for kids in Spokane’s poorest neighborhoods, according to a story that was published this past weekend in The Spokesman-Review. The full-day program is available at five schools in the district; next year, it will expand to six more schools.

“Students who attend all-day kindergarten are more likely to read at grade level, have good attendance and do well in school,” according to Washington Governor Chris Gregoire’s 2007-2009 budget for elementary, middle and high schools.

Many school districts already offer full-day kindergarten. Some districts provide both, leaving the decision up to parents.

I also know some families who currently have their children in all-day preschool but won’t have the option of full-day kindergarten in Spokane.

So I guess my question is twofold:

1) How can you tell if you’re child is ready for all-day kindergarten?

2) What are the options out there for working parents who don’t have a choice but to send their kids to half-day kindergarten?

I wrote a story for Monday’s Today section based on the “Gotta Have Faith?” thread as well as on some recent conversations I’ve had with readers about raising children with or without religion.

One of the replies I received this morning was from a man named Gene Harwood. Here’s what he wrote to me in an e-mail:

“A more appropriate title would be truth versus lies. Why do parents risk integrity with their children by lying to them first about Santa Claus then by religion when there is no such place as heaven or hell? If children can't trust their parents with the truth then who can they trust? Children are not dumb and sooner or later parents are going to get caught up in their lies about Santa Claus and religion.

Why not tell the truth from the very beginning and gain the trust of their children which will last a lifetime instead of risking the children's love by casting doubt on their parents judgment.

Children are born as atheists until they are indoctrinated by their parents and they are deprived of their freedom of choice as guaranteed by the Constitution, by being made slaves of religion.”

Any additional thoughts on the issue of faith and kids?

I was in seventh grade when I got the chickenpox and I still have a scar on the left side of my head to prove it. But that’s about it, I think – I’m not sure my parents ever had any written proof that I had the disease. Obviously, my parents also didn’t get me vaccinated.

According to the Spokane Regional Health District, several dozen at-risk students from Jefferson Elementary are being kept home from school until the outbreak has ended or until their parents can provide proof of vaccination or immunity.

Students and staff in the affected classrooms without proof of vaccination are being sent home for up to 21 days. “If the outbreak continues, this exclusion may be expanded to include all Jefferson students and staff without proof of vaccination or previous disease," according to the health district.

The outbreak also has affected students at Garfield Elementary. Now, children at Roosevelt Elementary might be affected and the health district is urging parents to vaccinate their children.

The chickenpox vaccine has been recommended for all kids since 1995. Some parents, however, are opposed to immunization.

Are your children vaccinated?

When I was pregnant the second time, we considered having a doula with us at the hospital. At that time, I knew many couples who sought the expertise of a doula – a person who is trained to help during labor and after the birth of a baby.

In the end, however, we decided against it – not because we didn’t think a doula would be helpful, but my husband and I felt that the two of us along with our midwife would be fine.

Penny Simkin, the mother of the doula movement, was recently featured in The Seattle Times for her work with expectant parents. According to the story, having a doula at birth helps decrease labor time by as much as 25 percent. It also reduces the Cesarean-section rates by one-third.

"Birth never changes," Simkin says. "But the way we manage it and the way we think of it has. Right now, we're in a culture of fear around birth."

In the story, Simkin also adds: “I'm so sad that women think birth is impossible. They're also very busy and don't have time for classes. There are very few sources where they can get confidence in themselves . . . Women are so fit and athletic and run marathons, and yet think they can't do birth. I want people to appreciate how well their bodies are designed to give birth. Every cell in your body knows how."

How did you prepare for the birth of your child(ren)? What was the experience like for you and your partner? Did you have a doula with you?

A new book called “Parenting, Inc.” explains how "the act of rearing children has been turned into big business, requiring thousands of dollars where hundreds once sufficed and filling our playrooms, storage bins, and hallway closets with products our own parents never dreamed would exist," according to the author.

Kate Zernike, national correspondent for The New York Times, recently reviewed the book and provided this perspective:

"As Pamela Paul chronicles in her occasionally frightening account, “Parenting, Inc.,” my generation of parents has fallen into the grips of Big Baby. Pushed by a host of factors — the guilt and exhaustion of working parents, the dispersion of family networks that once passed knowledge from generation to generation, the pressure of admissions from preschool to college, and a culture that worships all things celebrity (including its offspring) — we are intimidated or bamboozled into buying all sorts of goods and services that we not only don’t need, but that may harm our children. Slaves to legions of professional advisers and predatory entrepreneurs, we are rendered unable to recall the advice Dr. Spock issued our parents: Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

So, did you buy the $500 stroller? (I did, I must confess – but it was a double jogger, after all ... and I use it all the time, really I do.) How about the gizmo that supposedly rocks your baby to sleep?

Many of you have given great advice on what to give a new mom for her baby shower. Now I’m wondering if you could answer the opposite of that question: Please tell us about some of the things that you bought for your child that ended up being a complete waste.

According to the Children's Book Council, the best books for kids are the ones “that speak to children, to their minds and their hearts.” The CBC insists that children will continue to read “as long as they find value, meaning, entertainment and something they can connect with in books.”

The current favorites at our house include: Kevin Henkes’ “Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse” for my 4-year-old; and “Good Night, Gorilla” – a book with very few words but one that certainly appeals to my 20-month-old daughter.

Last year, the National Education Association compiled a list of the top 100 children’s books. The top five, according to teachers, are:

1. "Charlotte’s Web" by E.B. White
2. "Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak
3. "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein
4. "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss
5. "Good Night Moon" by Margaret Wise Brown

Nearly all of those titles also can be found in parenthood.com’s “100 Best Children’s Books of All Time.”

What’s on your list of best children’s books? What makes these particular books special to you and your kids?

Whenever I read or hear about a case of child abuse in our community, there’s a part of me that often feels paralyzed.

The latest findings based on data from the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System also left me feeling angry and helpless. According to the article published in U.S. News and World Report, an estimated 91,000 infants in the United States were victims of maltreatment in 2006 during their first week of life.

Where can we find hope amid all this tragedy?

I don’t have any answers. However, as I was doing some research for a story, I did find some solace in “Seeds of Compassion,” a gathering and also “an initiative to nurture kindness and compassion in the world, starting with children and all those who touch their lives.”

Next weekend, more than 150,000 people will meet in Seattle for Seeds of Compassion, a five-day event that will bring together the Dalai Lama, scientists, educators, public policy makers, social workers and experts on early childhood development.

Here’s a little bit more information from the Seeds of Compassion website:

“The event will mark the beginning of a broad–based collaboration to bring concrete public awareness, public will, and an empowering call to action to address our local and global need for the social and emotional well–being of children. We see this as part of the emerging global Compassion Movement. As an outcome, we seek to bring social and emotional learning into families, to caregivers, and to schools so that all who touch the lives of children have the tools and empowerment to provide the foundation for kinder and more compassionate children, communities, and society.”

Maybe it won’t prevent every case child abuse, but it’s an effort to create a kinder, gentler world.

What can we do in our own homes, schools and work places to nurture compassion among our children? How can we use this information to protect the more vulnerable kids in our community?

If you get a chance, please check out the latest conversation on The Spokesman-Review's Vox Box about the biggest problems facing children in our community.

A recent Spokesman-Review poll indicated that “drugs and alcohol” top the list. However, the young people on the Vox Box blog seem to indicate otherwise.

Here are some responses from local teens:

“Those hundreds of parents voting for drugs/alcohol seem to not trust youth (probably their own kids) to stay away from such things. Not only does it cast doubt on their parenting skills, it begs the questions: what are we supposed to think when parents think we are that stupid?”

"I don't know why most adults think drugs and alcohol are the biggest problems facing us. If that's what they're most worried about us falling into, then they have a LOT of research to do. We've all taken Sex Ed. We know what "a few beers" can lead to, and we're smart enough to stay away. It really bugs me how stupid adults seem to think we are. They cram it down our throats that we need to be careful at those parties, but don't tell us what we REALLY need to know.”

As a mom, I learned a lot from reading those comments. I also felt a little out of touch with youth -- I don't think I would have rated "drugs and alcohol" high on my list, but I'm not sure if I have a real understanding of what it's like to be in middle school or high school today.

How about you? What do you think is the biggest problem facing our youth?