Everyone knows the economy is in turmoil, but apparently it’s much worse than I thought: Right now, in another window on my computer screen, the “SEND UPDATES AND SPECIAL PROMOTIONS” box on the registration page of a site offering a coupon for chardonnay has been checked — by me.

Signing up for e-mail alerts from people selling stuff is humbling enough, but given my near-fanatical devotion to Gewurztraminer, this previously unthinkable scenario suggests a level of desperation I can only assume is nationwide.

The bedroom is dimly lit, with walls painted a deep orange. A hand-held camera pans across the interior, revealing a muscle-bound man in a tight T-shirt perched on the edge of a bed. The glow from a television flickers across his face.

“Check out that joystick,” he says, his rough Brooklyn accent rising above a techno soundtrack.

I cover my eyes as the scene unfolds on my laptop, half-expecting a scantily clad blond with double-E implants to enter, stage right.

But wait, this isn’t amateur porn—it’s a Web commercial with some Italian stallion demonstrating a Star Wars video game (complete with Millennium Falcon gaming joystick) on sale for $18 plus shipping and handling.

Sure, hip-hop CEO Jay-Z makes the big bucks shilling HP Notebooks on TV — but in the wild, he’s been spotted using a MacBook. Actress Kate Walsh hints at the sexual gratification she gets from her Cadillac CTS in commercials, but in the real world she’s often seen driving a decidedly un-erotic Range Rover.

Shocking as it might seem, brand disloyalty among celebrity endorsers happens every day. But thanks to www.coolspotters.com, a site that encourages ordinary citizens to tie celebs with people, places and products in real life, such flagrant displays of brand-philandering can be captured, shared, and stored — in one place, for all eternity.

As if causing them to flee from the paparazzi wasn’t enough, Coolspotters forces celebrities to face the ceaseless vigilance of phone camera-toting citizen-stalkers on the lookout for even the slightest infraction against product loyalty.

In Walsh’s case, Coolspotter “Speed” claims to have seen the “Grey’s Anatomy” star driving a burgundy Range Rover Sport “about as many times as I’ve seen her in the Cadillac commercial.”

There is something about eBay that inspires a deep and visceral hatred among a rising tide of online buyers and sellers.

If you’re unfamiliar with the auction site’s many detractors, just Google the phrase “hate eBay” and you’ll get the picture. (At first, the profanity is jarring; I found hearing it in my head in the voice of William Shatner to be neutralizing).

With numerous ill-wishers among eBay’s buying and selling minions — most of them slamming the fee hikes, padded shipping charges, fraud, scams, and so on — it’s little wonder new sites aiming for a piece of the online auction pie are cropping up almost daily.

True, many of these alternatives are short-lived ventures, often with only a few hundred auction listings at any one time. They tend to vaporize once their operators confront the magnitude of regulating and managing a live, online marketplace.

For those who think their credit card is a lucrative target for online hackers, think again. With a glut of stolen personal information available on the underground market, competition among identity crooks is causing prices for such data to plummet, according to a study released this month by security software giant Symantec.

While this may help online shopaholics sleep better at night, keep in mind that the surplus of stolen data exists because cyberfraud is on the rise. Although the banks are getting better at quickly cutting off compromised accounts, Symantec found the number of cyber attacks increased five-fold last year, suggesting the average American with even a low-limit credit card is vulnerable when shopping the Web.

Most reputable online retailers encrypt credit card transactions to protect against hackers, but security lapses can penetrate even the most ironclad systems.

Although major credit card companies like Visa and MasterCard offer special security programs for added online protection, financial organizations like Citibank and Discover take Internet security a step farther, using virtual account numbers to disguise personal financial information during online transactions.

Virtual account numbers are randomly generated substitutes for your bank card number that can be used to buy goods and services online, over the phone and through the mail.

These random numbers are connected to the card member’s existing account, and are intended for one-time use only when shopping online. Purchases made using the virtual account numbers appear on the cardholder’s monthly statement, just like any other transaction. It’s free for Citibank card members at https://www.citibank.com/us/cards/vanpromo/cmc_pop/index2.htm. Discover Card members can check out a similar service at http://www.discovercard.com/customer-service/security/create-soan.html

One limiting factor associated with the virtual account is that it can’t be used to verify items bought online but picked up in person, such as will-call tickets. Still, for the vast majority of online purchases, this added layer of security could help thwart would-be hackers.

Another means to safeguard against online credit card fraud is to be selective about where you shop. Look for the “https://” at the beginning of the URL address of the retailer’s order page, an indication that any personal or financial information transmitted over the Web is encrypted.

It’s also worth your time to read the merchant’s privacy and security policies to ensure credit card data is properly stored. Transmitting personal information over secure channels is largely useless if the merchant doesn’t store that data in encrypted form.

Keep in mind that the safest way to shop online is with a credit card. Unlike debit cards, check cards and ATM cards, credit cards are protected under the federal Fair Credit Billing Act, which means consumers have the right to dispute credit card charges, and can even withhold payments during a creditor investigation. If you’re a frequent online shopper, it might be wise to obtain a credit card intended solely for online payments, making it easier to detect fraudulent credit charges associated with it.

Cart Shark is a regular feature about online consumer safety and smart Web shopping. Amy Klamper can be reached at aklamper@googlemail.com

COME ON, ADMIT IT: You spend a shameful amount of time online updating your Facebook and MySpace profiles, checking messages, writing reviews, loading pictures and generally engaging in other time-sucking tasks that cost your boss millions each year in lost productivity.

But what if all those hours on social networks could be translated into cold, hard cash? Or, even better, social change?

Cart Shark is a regular column about online consumer safety and smart Web shopping. To reach Amy Klamper, e-mail her at aklamper@googlemail.com.

TALK TO ME FOR AN hour and I will turn the conversation to the evils of plastic or the latest beef recall. Sure, I recognize that lead-tainted toys from China are not part of a communist plot to overthrow America, but when it comes to product safety I tend to align with the paranoids.

So when the Senate approved a bill earlier this month that aims to bolster the safety of millions of products sold in the U.S., including children’s toys manufactured in China, I felt validated.